Speaking of...

You know how most people hate public speaking? I used to think that was me. However, considering the fact that I stand in front of people (granted, they're teenagers so not entirely people) all day long and yap away, I had to reexamine the exact nature of my hatred.

Indeed, I do not hate public speaking. I hate planned public speaking. You know, a written speech, a recited reading, a question during a question and answer session. Seriously, all of these things make me either a) cry b) have a heart rate of 1013 beats per minute or c) have a strange and false feeling of overconfidence resulting in a shockingly embarrassing moment.

Before I reveal these shameful and ridiculous moments, I must, in my own defense, say that I'm pretty good at public speaking of the off the cuff variety. I mean, I do amuse the teenagers with my spitting...I mean speaking. I do disarm anxious parents worried about their child's potential success in my AP class by telling them about the 10 eyeliners I just tried out on my hand (and showing them too, of course). Yep, happened in Target today. Meet parent, tell them how great their kid is and how they're sure to do well in the class, right? No, because that would have been pre-planned and I would have probably wet my pants with nervousness. So, every lady likes eyeliner, right?

As you can see, this post wasn't pre-planned. But, I'm righting the ship. Example #1 of the catastrophe that is my and pre-planned speaking: Some dumb American Legion essay contest I was hookwinked into participating in in high school. I had about 2 days to write the speech. I had to stand up in from of 20 or 30 wonderfully old and patriotic veterans and give the speech. I was supposed to memorize the speech, which I didn't know until I got there. Right... 10 minutes to memorize. Ha. I decide to spend that time crying instead. That was probably the first time I had cried in several months. And it showed. I couldn't even speak when I got in front of the staring eyes. I choked and gasped for air and all the old people gave me sympathetic looks which made it 10,000 times worse. I think I almost died.

Example #2: In church one time (about 15 years ago), I had to go up to the pulpit, stand on the stool, step up to the microphone and say the scripture reading. It was the parable of the vineyard (that's right, I don't know the actual scripture reference, shame on me). I thought I was going to throw up which obviously clouded my judgment and caused me to say, in true phonetic fashion, "VINE-yard" rather than vin-yard. And I did it about 100 times. It was lovely. People at church still remind me of this gaffe. They laugh. I throw up a little in my mouth. Memories...

Example #3: Whilst attending a teaching conference in San Antonio a few weeks ago, I was in a session with about 125 other AP teachers. I had a question for the presenter. Simple enough. I raised my hand. About 5 minutes elapsed between when I raided my hand and when the speaker called on me. Anxiety ensued. I'm pretty sure I could literally see my heart bounding through my shirt/chest/ribs, etc. I promptly worked up a horrific sweat in a room that was 55 degrees. Presenter calls on me. I'm lightheaded at this point and my voice is shaking as I ask the basic question. Yay, it's pretty ridiculous.

It's so bizarre. I've talked to about a million strangers before, unprompted and unscripted. Easy cheesy. But thinking about asking the dentist at my next appointment about the difference between "floss" and "dental tape" shakes me to the core.