Tramps Like Us...

I am attempting to be a runner. At this point, I'm not sure what this is going to mean for me: recreation or racing, treadmill or outdoors, etc. And, as much as I love running, it's still trying to decide how it feels about me. So, while I wait for my charms to work their magic and cause running to reciprocate my feelings, I amuse myself by observing the various "types" of runners that run on the treadmills next to me. They are:

Malodorous Runner: stench coming from either
-rank breath (buddy, can't you taste that nastiness?) which of course is exerted with brute force and inevitably tangles with the air my lungs so desperately need.
-voracious body odor, generally a result of "natural" deodorant. seriously, your Tom's deodorant wears off while you shop for groceries, did you honestly think it would keep you smelling rosy while you ran a 10k?
-old, musty, mildewy towel that runner wipes their sweat with. yuck, yuck, yuck.

Psycho, Freak-Show Runner:
-this type likely varies according to ones gym/running environment. In my case, there's a lady that hikes the MPHs up to some ridiculous level then literally grips the handrails with white knuckles and skips across the raging belt below. if she were to lose her handle on the rails, she would be hurled at mach speed across the entire room and slammed into the mirrored wall smashing into a zillion pieces. Her theatrics are quite the distraction and it seems as though 90% of the people in the room have decreased efficiency in their workouts when she's "running" because of the need to gawk at her ridiculousness.

Noisy Runner: noise coming from either
-clomping/stomping on the treadmill because unlike Frieda Freakshow above, the MPHs are far too low. Said runner is attempting to "run" at the pace of a turtle (rather than just walking) and literally the amount of time the legs of this runner are in the air is so long that when they finally hit the treadmill, the noise is loud enough to be heard over my fully turned up iPod blasting the none-to-quite Foo Fighters, disturbing whatever tranquility I had mustered and shaking their treadmill violently.
-Out of bounds running/walking. Noise in this case is caused because this brilliant athlete seems oblivious of the fact that the walking/running surface of the treadmill is designated by the fact that it's um...MOVING. The rest of the treadmill is you know, the structural apparatus, not an extension of the running surface. So...when you run onto the front of the structure the resulting pounding sound should signal you that you're OUT OF BOUNDS!

Perfect Runner:
-little to no sweating, perfectly paced breathing, appropriately suitable athletic attire, excellently coordinated use of iPod and water bottle. This runner generally gives the impression that running is the easiest, most fulfilling task ever and that you too, could be Prefontaine with little to no effort.

Perfect Runner of course is the one that I usually notice the most because I am...sweating to the point that my clothes are more wet than dry, gasping for precious oxygen, accidentally yanking the headphones out of my ears when getting the cord tangled in my flailing arms, dripping more water onto my shirt than I'm actually drinking and always wishing I had worn something tighter/looser, more colorful/less colorful, etc.

If I ever become any of these types of runners, other than Perfect Runner of course, I plan to hang up the sneaks!